5ft11ShrimpCel Lawsuit

"User 5'11"ShrimpCel is bringing a legal case against popular cookie brand Elvvies after a man on Grindr wouldn't stop referring to him as "SLG" during their minigolf date. Sources tell us SLG has become common parlance on dating sites for "Short Little Gnome", and 5'11"ShrimpCel accuses Elvvies of, "portraying Gnomes as Voluntarily Celibate when, in reality, they are Involuntarily Celibate due to Unconstitutional Corporate Overreach by Elvvies's Pussy-Ass Lore Team". 

When queried as to why he chose Elvvies, who call their mascots Elves, instead of somewhere like a lawn decoration company which actually uses gnomes, he said that during the date he fell into the blue water and, "got triggered into mental 6 foot mode when the plastic whale accidentally flipped my Krillswitch [sic]", and filed the lawsuit while not thinking clearly, but now that he had entered, "post shell clarity", after our interview he might withdraw his lawsuit to go after a lawn decoration company thanks to our interview.

UPDATE: 5'11"ShrimpCel emailed us after the interview, requesting we take out the lawn decoration part, because, "after searching lawn gnomes on Google Images, I saw that sometimes they make fountains where the gnome is peeing, implying these companies give gnomes sexual freedom, unlike Elvvies."

We will update this story with any further correspondence from 5'11"ShrimpCel."